reparing
an older child for the arrival of his new baby brother or sister depends
on the age of the child. Toddlers have no sense of time, so you may
want to hold off till the last few months. Preschoolers will notice
your growing abdomen and inquire about it. Older children can become
involved right from the start.
Whatever
your child's age, preparing him for his sibling's arrival will help
him feel involved during this special time of waiting. There are many
books appropriate for each age that you can buy to prepare him for the
baby. Have the sibling help plan the nursery and prepare the clothes
and toys. Have him attend an age-appropriate sibling class at your hospital.
Familiarize him with what a baby can and cannot do (be a playmate).
Explain to him
that you will be at the hospital for a few days, and that you will be
excited to have him visit you and the baby. Reassure him he will be
well cared for while you are gone.
Once the baby has
arrived, make sure you and your partner have a "special time" just for
the older child – this will help him to feel secure and loved within
his new family. Have a "big brother" or "big sister" party!
If this is not
your first pregnancy, you may notice that you and your partner or other
family members do not have the same level of excitement about this pregnancy.
You may feel guilty because you will not be able to dedicate as much
time to your other child(ren). You may be feeling resentful towards
your partner for his seeming lack of caring. You may question your ability
to love or parent another child.
All of these feelings
and concerns are natural and are nothing to feel guilty about. The best
thing to do is to sit down and talk about these issues openly and honestly
with your partner. Have your partner come to a doctor's visit so he
can hear the baby's heartbeat. In the evening, have him sit with you
so he can feel the child kick from within.
Taking a refresher
class can help both of you prepare for the birth of this child while
offering you a place to express your feelings and concerns with other
experienced parents.
When a man first
faces fatherhood, he has come to one of the most challenging times of
his life. He may be filled with self-doubt as to his ability to be a
good father. He may be concerned over finances, lifestyle changes, or
his partner's and baby's health. He must deal with his emotions on sexuality,
about his partner's ever-changing body and ultimate motherhood. He may
feel left out and insignificant as all the attention is directed towards
the mother. All of the above are normal feelings and are best dealt
with through open communication and by being involved in the pregnancy
process. Even if this is not the first pregnancy you and your partner
have experienced, each one is unique and presents different challenges.
Go to doctor appointments,
listen to your baby's heartbeat, see a "picture" on the ultrasound machine
and feel the baby move. You will become excited beyond words about the
reality of this new person. Attend childbirth classes – this will
help you feel confident in your role during labor and birth. It will
also allow you to share your concerns and feelings with other men. Visit
the hospital, familiarize yourself with how long it takes to get there,
where Admissions is located, what to expect when you get to the hospital,
and where the maternity floor is.
Become an involved
partner by eating healthy foods and exercising; stop smoking, using
drugs or drinking alcohol; and wear your seat belt at all times when
in the car.
Reassure your partner
that she is attractive and that you find her sexually desirable. If
this is not the case, reassure her of your love for her and the baby.
Lovemaking does not always have to end with intercourse – hugging,
kissing and caressing are signs of love and may be what both of you
need at this time. Your sexual relationship does change during pregnancy,
so be sure to freely communicate your wants and needs – give love
a creative touch.
This is also a
good time to start discussing your ideas about parenting, as each of
you will have personal views on day care, discipline techniques, etc.,
depending on how you were parented.
Try to evaluate
those issues that are most important. Flexibility and open communication
are keys to working through differences of opinion and maintaining a
happy family life.
One last note –
should you begin to have negative feelings and thoughts, it could lead
you to the physical or emotional abuse of your partner. Seek counseling
so you can better understand and control these emotions. You are not
only hurting the person you love the most, but also your unborn child.
